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I need to exercise … but God I don’t want to!

“If you want your heart to take care of you, you better take care of it,” says the mind to the body.

“I do, but I don’t feel like it,” says the body to the mind.

One friend suggested I “put on music and dance.”

Okay, considered.

The kid and I used to dance and sweat to M.J.’s “Thriller” quite a bit. I know the steps, but that long routine will tire thee hell out of you – think I’m kidding, try it yourself. The kid outlasted me every time. But know this, “Thriller” will give you a serious workout. How Michael did it without breaking a sweat … shaking my head at his energy.

“Stretching is a good place to start,” suggests my flexible yoga friend.

Years ago, I bought a yoga DVD for inflexible people – hurt my little body so much I never used it again.

“Just start walking,” says one who runs marathons.

Don’t wanna do that either. Thanks a lot sciatic pain.

Another apologized for not being able to help; said she’s lazy by nature and was looking for cake.

I chuckle. I want cookies.

I have another friend who does over a hundred jumping jacks every night. She’s high on vitamins.

My friends are essentially saving their lives. I want the same for mine. It’s encouraging to know their routines and that they’re working it out, but not encouraging enough – I’m just not motivated (hate exercising).

I went to one Zumba class with my church sisters and vowed to NEVER return! Zumba is nuts; clearly for the insane! Who came up with the crazy notion to dance for over an hour straight to R&B, hip hop, Latino and reggae music – who?! It’s just abnormal and insane. You can’t hear me, but I’m laughing out loud.

Speaking of insanity – I can watch the heck out of those Insanity infomercials and work out vicariously that way.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried gym memberships over the years only to throw away money. Remember Elaine Powers? That’s how far back I’m talking (lol); some of you have never even heard that name before, which I find kind of funny. I’ve also bought workout equipment only for it to collect dust or be used as coat racks. I have two sets of weights that I occasionally use; didn’t see any definition in my arms so I stopped. I gave away a treadmill. My dusty stepper is currently being used to keep the cat from purposely tipping over his water bowl! But, I am not giving up – just need a plan for stiff and lazy beginners.

You know, a lot of women (maybe not you) would love to have BeyoncĂ©’s body. Me, I’d just want her lower lumbar … well, I can dream, can’t I?

Sike, I don’t really want it, Jesus, but I’m just sayin’.